Love Story Unfinished Part 2

Photo taken by: Ali DeGraff

A low hiss of scanners, printers, pen caps, erasers, keyboards, and soft mumbling fill the No Shh Zone of the BYU library as I ponder who I have become over these past few years.  Memories swirl around me like a self-reflecting cartoon character causing me to dizzy.  I smirk at the silly girl I was freshman year–Balling up newspaper to scare Anne and Sarah–Sipping apple juice in a kiddy pool placed promptly in the handicap bathroom while relaxing to the tunes of the Beach Boys–Batting at a man piñata on our dateless Valentine’s Day–”Illegally” making and distributing grilled cheese sandwiches from the sandwich maker we “borrowed” from Winston–And toast a la carte turned into a la mode.

Sophomore year I was going to be serious.  I had a serious boyfriend and serious plans to study in Spain.  When Brad broke up with me I crumbled.  I didn’t sleep for weeks.  I went into counseling.  ”I do not understand you at all.  When you look at me I feel incompetent at my job.”  Those wise words were verbalized by my counselor right before I jetted off to Spain.  A year and a half later I am still puzzled at what that statement says about me or his competence as a counselor.

Junior year I had just rediscovered the greatness I possessed and was ready to take on the world.  My heart lied with the missionary I was writing.  Ben was the first man I truly and honestly loved without a shadow of a doubt.  I believe that some people enter our lives to change our lives forever and for me one of those people was Ben.  I knew that I loved him, because together we made each other better.  There were moments that my clinical depression overcame me and suicidal thoughts clouded my mind.  There were times that I was crippled with body image issues partially attributed to emotional abuse from my past.  At times politics would cause a catch of emotion in my throat when nightmarish memories of the FBI raiding my home would reappear.  Through all the horror he was there holding my hand.  He taught me how to cope.  He taught me how to care.  But I’ve learned that life surprises us when we least expect it.  Ben was to arrive home January 3rd and we were going to get back together and it was going to be magical much like many over-played cliche pop songs.  But surprise!  Jonathan was placed in my path.

From the moment I met Jonathan, I instantly felt comfortable; a constant warmth filled my bosom whenever he was in my presence.  First he was a friendly face, then he was a friend, and he quickly became my love.  He shared my quirky sense of humor and was genuine.  Everything about him was honest and authentic.  One night after we had just begun dating my best friend and roommate Megan said to me “You’re making your life awfully complicated.”  I replied sincerely, “I know.  But at the same time I feel that I am making the right decision.”  The same night I told Jonathan I loved him, I told him about Ben.  I told him that as much as I loved him, in my heart a part of me still loved Ben.  I remarked that upon January 3rd my heart might be torn in two.

January 3rd was a strange day.  I received a phone call from Ben.  Hearing his voice was surreal.  I felt nauseated not because it upset me to hear from him, but because of the shock of speaking with this important person in my life whom I had not heard from in two years.  The next morning he dropped by my parents’ home to see me.  For months I had anticipated this day with nerves and excitement.  I could not prepare myself though for how I felt in that moment.  When I looked him in the eye I felt nothing.  I still had revere, respect, and fond feelings for him, but I did not love him anymore.  That chapter of my life was closed and I felt a strong confirmation that Jonathan was the right man for me.  We reminisced and talked for a little bit laughing at some good memories, but that was all.  A couple hours after he left, I balled.  I was filled with utter joy thinking about my future with Jonathan that lied ahead, but I could not help but feel sad for my inability to express to Ben how much I cared for him when I had to let him down.  What consoles me though is knowing that if Jonathan is more right for me than Ben is, then there is someone out there more right for Ben than I am.

Now I have entered into my senior year.  I am a seasoned college student now.  I happily and proudly announce that this is my first Uloop post as Courtney Judd.  On May 25th I was married and sealed for time and all eternity to the most amazing person I have ever met.  Earlier today someone asked me the best part of my semester so far.  It was last Saturday.  Jonathan and I slept in all cozy and snuggled up to one another.  When we awoke he kissed me and then made me waffles.  He captures my heart in the smallest of moments.  I look forward to kicking off my shoes after a long day of work to snuggle with him on the couch sipping homemade smoothies watching Scrubs.  Every day he tells me how beautiful, smart, and important I am.  I thank God in prayer every day for him.  When witnessing my worst he loves me the same as he does when witnessing my best.  That love is unconditional.  And that love is mutual.  My sister-in-law Kate expressed in a blog post that the day she got married she experienced a higher form of love so pure she could not express it.  I too, have experienced this higher form of love.  I am happy to say that my heart is full, but my love story remains unfinished.  I am blessed to witness my love story unfold with Jonathan for the rest of eternity.

Less clicking, typing, and mumbles are present.  The library is emptying and my shift is almost over.  I’ve come a long way these past few years.  From silly freshman to married woman I have weathered this campus for over three years now.  Images of the couch, my sweet husband, and the bright television screen call to me.  It’s time for our late night snack.

*For further reading refer to Love Story Unfinished.