Bad Relationships: How to Recognize Them and What to Do Once You Have

Image courtesy of the Choose Respect Action Kit (CDC), via wlu.edu

     First of all, if you find yourself in a bad situation, it is NOT YOUR FAULT.  In fact, it is never the victim’s fault.  That said, just because you are a victim does not mean you are powerless.  As soon as you are aware of the true nature of your situation, whether it is downright abusive or just grossly unhealthy, it is your responsibility to get yourself out of it.  But you don’t have to do it alone.

     Problematic relationships are easier to spot than you might think.  Just ask yourself: Do I feel emotionally and physically safe with this person at all times?  Do I feel that my sense of self, self-esteem, and self-respect are healthy and intact when I am around this person, or does their presence in my life adversely affect any or all of those things?  If you answered no to either of those questions, you are in a bad relationship.  But don’t lose heart!  It is NOT your fault.  You did not bring it upon yourself.  But you do have the strength and the means to get yourself out of it.  Really.

If you think you are in a full-on emotionally and/or physically abusive relationship, you should seek professional help and guidance.  This website has a lot of useful information regarding how to safely go about ending an abusive relationship.  If you have specific legal questions, this page is particularly helpful.  You can also seek immediate help from http://www.thehotline.org/ or call 1800-799-SAFE.  Additionally, nearly every college has a counseling/health center and most have anti-abuse/peer health organizations as well.  If you feel safe reaching out to them, do so.  They can offer you resources and guidance as well as emotional support.  Keep in mind that your safety and anonymity will be their first priority, but if your situation is particularly dangerous, seek out professional rather than student help, because by law, they have to protect your privacy and will be better trained to handle more serious situations.  (Most schools and mental health practices will make the exact terms of this confidentiality available on their websites.  Here is one example via Texas State University at San Marcos.)  Alternatively or in addition, if there is someone in your life that you trust (this is often–but certainly not always–a parent, guardian, or other close family member), you can confide in them and invite them to be part of your support system.

Sometimes, though, relationships can be unhealthy without actually being out-and-out abusive.  Without diminishing the severity of actual abuse, it is just as important to recognize if and when you are being treated badly in a relationship.  I don’t mean the occasional argument or insulting remark; everyone can be mean, cranky, or just plain hurtful sometimes.  Those things don’t make a relationship unhealthy…In fact, when paired with healthy communication and mutual trust and respect, they make a relationship realistic.  By contrast, unhealthy relationships involve a certain frequency of problematic behaviors–things like devaluing you, constant negativity or insults, and sometimes even mildly domineering and/or controlling behavior (please note that these last two veer into abusive territory).  If you aren’t sure if your relationship is unhealthy or possibly even abusive, this page can be a great resource (just click on “spectrum,” linked in blue).  But you should also trust your own instincts; if something doesn’t feel right about your relationship, that’s because, well, it probably isn’t.  For example, if you ever feel that your world actually revolves around the other person (not in the romantic sense of the phrase, but in the sense that you are actually unable to differentiate between your moods/emotions/decisions and the other person’s ), it is worth seeking out some help.  (In case you’re wondering, the aforementioned scenario is called co-dependency, or sometimes enmeshment, and it’s a fairly common scenario.)  Just as it is not the victim’s fault that he or she is in an abusive relationship, there is no shame or blame in being in an unhealthy relationship.  But once again, the responsibility to address the issues once you have become aware of them belongs to you.  Enlisting the support of trusted family members, friends, and mentors is important.  Online information can be eye-opening, and hotlines can also be extremely helpful.  A consultation with a counselor or similar mental health professional can tell you exactly what, if anything, is going on in your relationship.  He or she can offer you official terminology (sometimes, just putting a name to a phenomenon can be incredibly liberating), strategies for moving forward, and a safe space to work through your emotions surrounding the situation and decide what is best for you moving forward.

Navigating relationships isn’t easy, but it is part of life.  Addressing any bad relationships in your life, whether they are unhealthy, emotionally abusive, or physically abusive, takes real courage and strength—both of which you, dear reader, have.  You can be a victim, but you are never truly powerless.  There are steps you can take to make sure your relationships are healthy, safe, and nurturing.  Do not blame yourself—but do take action.  Even if you think you don’t deserve a healthy relationship, you are wrong.  You do.  Everyone does.  So take care, stay safe, and remember that an unhealthy relationship can just as easily be with a family member or friend—it doesn’t have to be a romantic partner for it to be damaging.  Best of luck, and if you or a friend are reading this and think that some of the situations discussed might apply to you, I urge you to make use of the links and the resources they will make available to you.