Let's Kiss in Public

Do you know what’s better than kissing someone? Kissing someone in public. And do you know what’s better than kissing someone in public? Kissing someone in public when you’re trying to hide the fact that you two are now kissing.

THANKS, Flickr.com

There could be many reasons for why you’re trying to hide your kissingness. It could be that you’re both working on a class project and you don’t want the other people in your group to find out your relationship went from strictly business to business time shortly after you introduced yourselves to each other’s lips.

However, no reason is too important to keep you from kissing in public. For those unwell-versed in the art, allow me to explain how it works.

The Art
You’re strolling with your friendly friend in a busy promenade, such as campus, the airport, or the aisle at someone’s wedding. You’re holding hands. When you get to a particularly crowded spot, stop walking and pull her close to you. Pick her up and start making out like you have mere seconds left to live. Keep those eyes closed. After ten minutes, you might start to hear people yelling at you–those are cheers saluting your manliness. If your forearms start to burn, don’t stop kissing. If she stops kissing you, don’t stop kissing, she’ll come around. If you can’t breathe, don’t stop kissing.

The Stigma
Americans are nervous and impersonal creatures, which is why you don’t see more of The Art. Most single people claim to be revolted if they see a public make-out session. Why is that? When I see people kissing, I smile and enjoy the show, jotting down the occasional note to reference before my next date. And non-single people? They always make a show of scowling at those doing The Art, probably because they wish their own relationship had the level of passion needed to play swords with your tongue in a bustling supermarket checkout line. Don’t envy others; make others envy you.

The Explanation
Sometimes, after you perform The Art, your partner may ask what sparked the vehement kissing. Rather than replying that you live for public affection, which is true for everyone, you can use these lines:
- Last night I had a dream. We were visiting my family for the holidays, and you left me for my grandpa.
- I wanted some of that Burt’s Bees you just put on.
- I saw your ex-boyfriend kissing my ex-girlfriend. Naturally I thought we should one-up them.
- I just watched The Notebook.
- We finished eating thirty minutes ago, which is how long they say you should wait before swimming, if you know what I mean.

The Excuse
As I said earlier, you may be hiding your relationship. If you’re not working together on a class project, you might be hushing your relationship because you’re dating two people at once, or you’re dating your close friend’s ex-girlfriend. You may feel bad, but you shouldn’t. Everyone has a little barbarian in them–evolution is a really slow process. However, at some point you may need an excuse for why you just did The Art. Some examples:
- I was administering vertical mouth-to-mouth. It’s the newest wrinkle in the ever-improving CPR technique.
- She was just bitten by a snake…on the lips. I had to suck out the venom.
- I was just bitten by a snake, and she was doing the sucking.
- You see, she was about to eat the last skittle. It was a red one. You know how I love skittles, so I went in after it.
- Didn’t I tell you I auditioned to be in a movie? This is our first day of shooting Public Indecency 96.
- Hello, close friend. Why am I kissing your ex-girlfriend, you ask? Remember that time you ate my last chocolate chip Eggo? No? I do.

The Result
Based on the studies that I am about to make up, couples that regularly perform The Art are twice as likely to be happy than boring people who never kiss in public. Every marriage will end in divorce or death, but practice The Art and you can avoid one of those things.