An Open Letter to the Girls of Instagram

Dear white girls on Instagram,

This (satirical) piece may be difficult for you to digest (especially with my lack of abbreviations), so allow me to explicitly state the theme of this message in one comprehendible syllable: stop. Stop with the excessive selfies, “candids” and overlooked self-destruction, because most of us are not fake laughing with you, but at you.

Clogging someone’s Instagram feed and clogging someone’s toilet evoke the same emotions; a feeling of frustration and disgust. Posting a couple of pictures per hour is fine, posting a couple of pictures per minute seems needy. Do you needthat double tap to validate the bar tab full of girlie drinks you had to filter and share? Or perhaps you need the double tap to serve as a sort of pat-on-the-back for, yet again, dancing to the music stylings of former teen idols. Frankly, it just makes me think you’re idea of “bonding” is collectively taking contrived pictures and then sitting around posting them. But, to each their own.

Next, Marilyn Monroe taught you to be ‘absolutely ridiculous’ instead of absolutely boring, but she never said anything about being absolutely obnoxious. I thought the end of puberty meant the end of break-outs and bragging about being “SO WASTED.” Purposely posing to make yourself look more intoxicated isn’t funny, it’s just kind of pathetic. At least be doing something mildly entertaining, anything other than stumbling or laying on the ground if you’re going to drunk-gram.

We get it; you have friends. We get it; you’re having (your idea) of fun. We get it, these are your “BEST FRIENDS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD AND FOREVER” (until you move to different cities, and find another seasonal confidante.) And Friday, as well as Thursday and Wednesday, and the Tuesday before that, was the “BEST NIGHT EVAAAA”, but spare us ALL the theatrics, and use moderation when it comes to Instagram posting.

More than a letter, this is a public plea to stop embarrassing yourself …before you ruin Vine and your online reputation.