Relationships: What to call that person you’re, like, dating

“So, do you have a lover?

For whatever reason, a friend from my study abroad program asked me this question about relationships as we were walking through a cemetery in Buenos Aires this past June.

To me, the question—and its phrasing—were more noteworthy than the answer.  Not just because of the L-word’s connotation—personally, I think of fiery trysts and romance novels—but because of my socially-conscious friend’s intention: to ask a personal question without making any assumptions as to my sexual orientation.  (This was the same girl who responded to unintentional double-entendres with the gender-neutral “that’s what zhe said!” And no, that’s not a typo.)  She’s not the only one, several people on the internet and in real life use neutral language to describe that very special someone (or someones).

Valentine’s Day may be behind us, but there is still plenty to be said about romantic relationships and the way we describe them.  Sam Killermann, creator of the one-man comedy show It’s Pronounced METROsexual, wrote an article on his website explaining why he uses the term “partner” rather than “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” in regular conversation.  Sex educator Laci Green has released a video explaining her decision to speak similarly.

The general gist is that the BF/GF lingo is heteronormative (which is true) and terms like “partner” promote inclusivity (also true).  It also allows for a bit of privacy: Green explains that she took a class in which gender-specific terms were nixed.  The rule created a safer space for discussion of sexuality and relationships, so students were in no danger of unwillingly revealing their sexual orientations or even feeling pressure to do so.

Even if there is a neutral term—“significant other” works, but it’s a mouthful—I think that it’s important for us, as individuals and as couples, to self-identify as we choose.  For example, I’m a heterosexual woman.  If my main-squeeze identifies as “Kelly’s boyfriend”, and I’m okay with him being my boyfriend…well, if we prefer to identify ourselves as “boyfriend and “girlfriend”, why not?In situations where some information is unknown, “partner” makes sense for its lack of assumption.   At the same time, “partner” has its own connotations—namely that the two parties are in it for the long haul.  And that’s not necessarily how you want to describe someone when, say, introducing them to your buddies (“partner” might also imply to some that you’re talking about a same-sex significant other—in that case, it’s on them that they’re assuming).  On the other hand, “lover” implies something more sexual and fiery than companionate; you don’t imagine lovers sitting down to pay the bills together.