Making Peace With My Body, and Myself

“I am thirteen pounds overweight, and it has been awful for me my whole life!” When Hannah Horvath, the main character of Girls/my spiritual guide, uttered these words in the final episode of season one, it struck a painful chord. Like Hannah, I too have had a lifelong battle with my weight and confidence issues regarding my body.

I was one of those unfortunate teens who didn’t lose their baby fat when I entered puberty. That fact, plus my great love for sweets and fast food, did not do much to help my situation. I was never overweight as a teenager, my height helped me with that, but I was also never thin. My friends used to make jokes about my round face and tendency to overeat; calling me “bloated Justine” and accusing me of “acting fat.” These comments, though made in jest, were always very hurtful, and if anything, pushed me to eat more. It was a vicious cycle.

Even in college, after joining the rowing team, friends and teammates would notice how much I ate at breakfast after practice. I went to the gym and was athletic, but I still overate and was unhappy with my body. By now, my baby fat had given way to a curvaceous shape, which I hated at the time. This past summer, after a bad breakup, I sought solace in food in a major way. Fast food every night, whole pints of ice cream, and a bag of Oreos in my pocketbook at all times. I became overweight, weighing in at the largest number I’d seen on a scale.

After I started feeling better, I decided I had to make a change. I began doing exercises that were more enjoyable for me, like Zumba and Pilates. I also used Weight Watchers for the first time, and religiously counted calories. I lost nearly twenty-five pounds. Objectively I looked better than I’d ever looked in my life, but I still was not happy. I was denying myself things that I love, like chocolate and pasta. Being that thin was lovely, but it was not satisfying. So, while continuing to eat healthily, I began to allow myself the treats that I loved, with some moderation. I may not be as thin as I was in the middle of last semester, but I certainly feel satisfied. If I want pancakes or french fries, I eat them, and I don’t feel guilty afterwards! I also have made peace with my curvy body type.

Body type is an interesting subject, you learn about them in health class, read about them in magazines, and everybody has one. But what they don’t tell you is how insecure you can feel about your body when another body type is the “ideal.” Every day, people are inundated with images of the “ideal.” For me, the ideal lives right down the hall. When I first came to Mount Holyoke, one of the first people I met was my friend Ana. Ana is svelte and statuesque at nearly 6’, and I immediately became infected with “body type envy.” Now, nearly three years later, Ana is one of my best friends, and I still think she’s gorgeous, but I no longer see her as ideal, just different. And she has her own insecurities about her body! Sometimes when we’re joking around, she shows me photos of her towering over family members, and tells me stories of people trying to get her to eat because they think that she is emaciated (she’s not!). Clearly, insecurity is a relative thing.

Now that I can appreciate my body type for what it is, and see the great things about me instead of my flaws, it makes me feel secure. Sizeism is a very toxic thing, and when you discriminate against yourself, it is even worse. Now I know I have hips, and thighs and a butt, and a sizable bust, and they’re all beautiful. I think that I’m beautiful in my own way, and I tell myself that every day. It makes every bite of my favorite chocolate chip cookies that much sweeter.