How to Get Into the Ivy League

By Uloop Archives on February 14, 2013

Ah, the Ivy League.  Red-brick buildings towering over brilliant green lawns.  Groups of impeccably-dressed students giggling on their way to class.  An alumni network that can assure you a position as leader of the free world.  What’s not to love?

The admissions process, that’s what.

Thousands upon thousands of students are clamoring for a chance to be among the few selected to enroll in one of the eight elite institutions that make up the Ivy League, and your perfect score on the SAT and valedictorian status won’t help you here.  Here is how you can get a leg up on all of them.

Go back in time and force your parents to go Ivy.  Note: You may have to go back in time further and make sure their parents go Ivy, and sometimes even farther back than that. It’s a bit of a work-heavy method, but it’s almost guaranteed to work.

Be an ethnic minority. Preferably Native American. Ivy League schools believe it is their job to make up for the Trail of Tears. Caveat: Asians.

Make sure no one in your state applies to the school you’re applying to.  If this cannot be avoided, make sure you’re the only person of your gender who is applying.  Kill if you have to.

Be really awesome at a sport, but have no desire to do anything with it after college.  This does not apply if you’re a rower.

Lie about being in 4H.  This was actually tested: Russell Nieli reported that you’re less likely to get into an Ivy League school if you have activities like 4H or ROTC on your resume. I’m not saying don’t do these things, per se, because they’re awesome activities and will build your character, but Ivy Leaguers do not want that character to be too developed.

Become a celebrity.  Nothing else to say on this one.

Nail that interview.  Bring your resume and a smile.  Break out all of the J.Crew in your closet, underwear included (you don’t have anything from J.Crew?  You are in a world of trouble, my friend). Bring your interviewer a cake, but make sure it’s gluten-free.  Offer your services as full-time slave if your interviewer can guarantee acceptance.  Whatever it takes.

Find the cure for cancer.  Or win a Nobel Prize. Your choice.

If you follow each of these steps, you are almost guaranteed acceptance to at least one of these top schools.  Good luck with admissions, don’t go crazy or anything (read: homicide is the answer).

Disclaimer: This is a completely satirical post.  I do not have any insight on the actual admissions process at any of the eight Ivy League institutions.  I am in no way associated with the Ivy League.

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