On London, Limbo, and Returning

London from the Eye, Photo Credit: Joyce Im

The first mark of difference between the then and the now that made itself clear was when I opened a window to feel the cold December air on my face. It didn’t burn or make me shudder all over. Instead it was a welcomed homecoming breeze, necessary as the knots in my stomach were threatening to make me collapse under the weight of the intense feeling of simultaneous longing, nostalgia, excitement, nervousness, elation, and melancholy that remained there.

After living in London for four months, I am safely back in Belmont, California, where I will wait until school begins again on January 7th. As far as I am concerned, I am living in limbo, between two different kinds of life that are either behind me, never to be touched again, or ahead of me, just waiting to be experienced. Limbo isn’t so bad; it is a strange place in which the absolutes of the past mingle with the possibilities of the future, creating a present informed by the changes I have gone through. But here nothing is put into practice, only reflection.

There are differences here that haunt me. The nights are quiet. I’m tired very early and wake up when everyone else is still asleep. I don’t hear singing at 2 in the morning and there is no center in this town. Everything is smaller but less connected. I know that these are just differences that I will get used to again with time, but I also know I will never consider these hometown characteristics familiar again. I can’t, now that I’ve known a city as vast and dynamic as London. I know that now familiarity will lie in the pursuit of the same loud kind of life I lived in the Capital city.

When asked how this experience has impacted my life as a student, I can only say that it gave me a glimpse into life outside the bubble–outside of the familiar. For life in college is a sheltered life, a life in limbo in which we prepare for what is to come, try to piece together what may be real through the theories we are fed. Over these past four months I became aware of my self, specifically of how I fit into the greater world around me. It is for this reason that I feel incredibly fortunate to have been given the opportunity to study abroad, and will never forget my time in London.

While the December air doesn’t bite in Belmont, at least not the way it did in London, I can’t help but greet it with a range of feelings that mostly come out sad. While limbo isn’t so bad, and is deceptively better in its offer of comfort, I can’t help but feel that everything is on hold. But still, armed with the knowledge, friends, and experience that I have gained, I move on to my last six months of college with a confidence I have never possessed before, and a promise that my life will be loud once again.