So, Your Friend Just Came Out of the Closet

So, college students, you’re in a new phase of your life! You’re exploring your freedom, gaining independence and really coming into yourself! All this newfound independence and self-exploration can only really mean one thing.

You’re about to find out that at least one person you know is queer.

First off, don’t look at me like that, “queer” has been reappropriated and is a positive term now. It’s a more inclusive word, because the sexual and gender identity spectrum is a lot larger than the dichotomy of gay/straight.  It’s good that you know that now as we start out.

Point One: Don’t Freak Out.

Maybe it was super obvious, or maybe you never saw it coming. Either way, this is a big deal. With all the stigma associated with queer/GSM (Gender or Sexual Minority) people, chances are your friend is fearful of the backlash but they came to you anyway and you definitely don’t want to betray that. Let them talk, and keep your cool. They’re still the same person you’ve always known, and the dynamic between the two of you shouldn’t be something broken so easily.

Point Two: It’s Not Your Secret to Tell.

If your friend doesn’t explicitly tell you to tell other people: don’t tell other people. They’re trusting you, and you alone. It doesn’t matter if you know your aunt would be really proud of your friend, and it doesn’t matter if you tell your dad everything. Your friend trusted you. I can’t tell you how many of my high school friends turned around and told their moms after I came out. (Thanks for that, by the way, your parents knew before mine.) Unless there are extenuating circumstances, you just don’t go shouting this secret from the rooftops.

Point Three: Don’t Try to Put It in a Box.

Sexuality and gender expression are the most fluid things in the world, and the first step to understanding that is to disregard all concepts of heteronormativity in relationships. If you ask your lesbian friend who the man is in the relationship, you’re missing the point of lesbianism. Also, it can be really hard to figure out what you’re comfortable with straight out the gate. Suppose your friend says he’s bisexual and then a few years later says he’s gay, that doesn’t mean he settled or that he went through a phase, it just means  he found where he was comfortable. Or perhaps you have a friend who says she’s a lesbian, but later says she’s actually a heterosexual male with female genitalia.  I can see your head reeling from here, and that’s okay. You don’t have to understand everything, I don’t and I’m certain your friend doesn’t. There are outlets for help.

Point Four: Educate Yourself.

At my university there are many outlets and resources for people and allies in the queer community. If your friend is ready to explore this side of campus, offer your support. Check out your school’s LGBT center, look into the various groups and contact some of the executive board members. Come to meetings of groups, ask questions and do whatever to make your friend comfortable.

Point Five: Say You’ll Be There.

Your friend may not want to be an advocate, your friend may not ever tell another soul, your friend may end up being the next Ellen. Whatever the case, just let your friend know that you will always be there for them. Love is the first thing, love and acceptance. Everything else can be acquired through time and trial - but love must come first.