Your End of the World Update

I feel like it’s important to note that I do not believe the world will end anytime soon–call me crazy or call me sane, I can’t see the end coming on December 21, 2012. I repeat: this is a satire.

However, as an English major pursuing a minor in Creative Writing, brainstorming about the various ways that the world will come to an end is something I find very fun to conceptualize. There are so many possibilities–Steven Spielberg would drool at all the potential story lines he could create with the end of Earth as a central theme. So, without further delay, here are my ideas for possible ends that the world could face!

Obviously, the most likely is that the Illuminati will finally execute their plan of a New World Order, murdering 5/7 of the population in order to start over and create a superior race. I mean, that’s likely right? It’d be pretty embarrassing as a world if 5 billion people (approximately assumed not to be in the Illuminati) couldn’t stop a fraction of the world’s most powerful, middle-aged men. Personally, I like Ray Lewis (pro football player who I would not assume to be in the Illuminati) vs. George W. Bush (the ex-president who is constantly linked to the Illuminati), but perhaps I should never say never. I mean, I wouldn’t have predicted that Rudy Ruettiger would have achieved such notoriety from one sack at Notre Dame, or that George Mason would make it to the 2006 Final Four in college basketball. However, I suppose it’s hard to be considered a David vs. Goliath when your side contains the most powerful people on Earth.

The all-seeing eye on the back of the American dollar is often considered the most famous sign of the Illuminati; photo from depositphotos.com

I’d welcome an alien attack. That’d be kind of cool to be a part of when we’re all talking about it in either Heaven or Hell (or when we’re incarnated? I’m not trying to leave out any beliefs.) “Yeah, remember that alien invasion! How’d you die? I was incinerated by one of their laser guns!” I mean, even though our defeat would probably be imminent, who doesn’t love a good alien abduction?

My final proposal is a giant event similar to premise of the book Left Behind. You know, a ton of people simply disappearing, going who knows where, while those unworthy are stuck and stranded on Earth. This seems the least likely of all three solutions, but hey, you never know? (I feel like by this point, that argument has run thin and you’re questioning my integrity as an expert on the end of the world.) That’d be pretty anticlimactic for me. With my luck, I’d probably wake up in my room, notice that my usually busy dorm is quiet, and think to myself, “Well, darn. Looks like I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life.” I’d probably spend the rest of my life playing Xbox and shoplifting from Kroger, which would be cut short since, seeing as there aren’t any more girls on the face of the earth, I no longer have to work out to look good. The only thing worse than this would be having the entire population disappear, only to reappear once I’ve gained 200 lbs.

There are probably several more scientifically likely ends that will happen (i.e. the universe beginning to contract or the sun exploding/imploding.) But honestly, I have a pretty good feeling I’ll just plan on seeing you all on December 22, if that’s ok.