Doesn't Hurt to be Prepared

I would like to take the time to address something of grave and serious concern. Who was is that said “always be prepared?” Smokey? Al Pacino? I mean, whoever it was, they were right. Bring an umbrella, wear your seat belt; you do these things in the name of preparedness. This mentality is the reason we have fire drills, right? The reason we have a police force, a team of people who are always prepared to help in an emergency. Do you see where I am going with this?

You probably don’t so I will get to the point. We need a zombie apocalypse protocol. Guys, its time. I know it probably won’t happen, but what is going to make me feel better when I am being chased to the roof of my building by the zombified body of my neighbor, hungry for blood? A plan, that’s what. I understand that we may have bigger issues to address as a society right now, and calling for a public forum to decide on zombie drills might not be a priority. So, I am asking everyone who reads this to think for themselves (if they haven’t already) about what they would do in a zombie takeover.

Lets think about this logically. When we are faced with any other sort of threat on a mass scale we study it to understand it. Know your enemy, folks. The zombie virus would probably spread in a way similar to the common cold; a virus that humans could contract from the saliva or mucus of an infected being. Step one right there: wear long sleeve T-shirts, don’t be careless with where you put your tongue, and for the love of god please be on the defense for a bite.

In an outbreak, containment of the virus would be imperative. Although, in a large-scale threat, if you are in the heart of the epidemic, you may be sacrificed should the government decide to quarantine the entire place. This fact is precisely why, in my house’s zombie drill (now drawn up and posted on our fridge), we choose quick escape.

Upon escape from the infected area, you need to move quickly to grab food and weapons. Take as much perishable food as you can, and for weapons, look for blunt objects. Crowbars would be ideal. Metal baseball bats are pretty effective as well. Depending on how many people you are working with, you may want to start a caravan of cars. This way, you can bring more supplies and pick up friends as you escape (they’re going to be so thankful that you had a protocol).

Next, my roommates and I decided we would head to water (zombies can’t swim). I live in Northampton, Mass, which is pretty close to the Connecticut River. We would drive along the river, heading north. I say north because heading north (from here at least) brings you to less populated places. Less population density is key here, it means there are less people to get infected. We would set up camp close to the shore, and loot one of the canoe/kayak places in the area for boats to keep close, in case a quick escape is needed.

You’re safe at your distanced site, and you can regroup. I am going to be honest with you guys, this is about as far as we got with our plan. It is up for debate at that point if you remain still or keep moving. But we have a start, and it would be quickly and cleanly executed to bring us to safety. And we would have a great chance of surviving. You know why? Because we thought about it. So I urge you, talk to your roommates about the zombie apocalypse…before you wish you had.

Let me know what you guys plan to do in the event of a zombie infestation. Any methods I should know about? Or, does anyone want to go in on a crossbow with me?