Set Boundaries With Your Housemates

By Makani Speier-Brito on June 22, 2015

A boundary protects you. Like a fence, when you open it, you let the good in while keeping harm out. How does a boundary apply to college? Well, it is almost a guarantee that while you are in college, you will share a space with new people. While moving from home to a dorm or an apartment or a house you will be sharing a space with strangers.

At first they are strangers, and then you begin to see them in the communal spaces (i.e. the bathroom or the kitchen). And these strangers become your housemates with habits. Some of these habits are nice like bringing home bagels from the coffee shop or not so nice like leaving their dirty dishes in the sink. Your home is where you should feel most at ease. If there is something bothering you or affecting your health, set a boundary. You set a boundary with your words. A boundary is set to keep you strong, safe, and comfortable in your new home.

How do you set a boundary?

First, you identify how you feel: “Okay, I feel grossed out because our shower is beginning to grow brown mold, ew, ew!”

Then you seek the source: “Hmmm, it seems like my housemate Muffin has been busy studying for Chem and has not taken a shower because she wants to conserve water for the drought.”

You evoke change:

“Hey Muffin, do you want to clean the bathroom with me sometime? I know it’s a nasty job but we can remove the brown mold together.”

Use “I” Messages

Along with boxes of clothes, people carry habits with them to your home. But that does not mean you should accept their habits. If their behavior affects you and your home, then you have a right to talk with them. Most likely they will feel grateful to know how their actions affect you. When you use ‘I’ messages, you own your feelings. They will be more likely to adjust their habits if you are soft on them. Follow up your statements with a question. Set the tone to be constructive. (P.S. You are not their mom or dad and it is not your responsibility to clean up after them). Below are sentences to borrow when you need to confront your housemates. Begin with ‘I feel…”:

I feel uncomfortable inviting my friends over to the house because you smoke weed in the living room. Do you mind smoking outside?
I feel uncomfortable cooking dinner here because your dirty dishes are crowding the sink. Do you mind washing them sometime today?
I feel uncomfortable when you play videogames at 3am; I can hear you from my room and I can’t sleep. Do you mind playing your games during the day?

Confronting people is difficult, especially when you barely know them. Maybe you would rather not say anything and seem laid back and chill. But is that really honest? They are not bad people, they just have bad habits. And they will never know how you feel unless you tell them. Although you are secretly annoyed, your housemates will continue their habits because they simply do not know how you feel!

Be Assertive

Here’s a reality check: no one can read your mind. No one knows how you feel or what you think unless you talk to them. So when confronting your housemates, think beforehand what you want to say, speak up and be assertive. They know you as much as you know them. They are still navigating this new living situation. And they probably want to know how you feel.

How to Say “No”

To protect yourself with your words, you will sometimes need to say, “No”. You are strong when you know what you like and what

you dislike. You can be nice person and still say ‘no’. College is a time for exploration but that does not mean you need to accept all opportunities. You show courage when you protecting yourself by avoiding harmful situations. There are variations on how to say ‘no,’ so pick one that fits you and your confrontation, including:

“No thanks.”

“I disagree.”

“I will not.”

“I choose not to.”

“Stop that.”

“It hurts.”

“I don’t like it when you…”

(Positively) Influence Your Housemates

Let’s say you confront Muffin and she avoids you. She ignores the mold in the shower and continues on her merry way. You cannot change that Muffin does not clean the bathroom. You can influence her by leading by example. What do I mean? Demonstrate to her what you want to see accomplished around the house. Start vacuuming. Take out the recycling. Prepare a bagel with peanut butter and banana and share it with her. If she watches you and seems curious as to what you are doing, say, “Hey Muffin, I am just helping out.” She may be motivated to help with cleaning the house or contribute to buy toilet paper.

Bottom line is to get your needs met. Be clear with the people you are sharing a space with. Let your housemates know where you stand and then enjoy yourself. If you feel uncomfortable or unhappy in your home and you have tried to reason with Muffin about her habits, it may be time for you to pack your boxes and move to a new place of residence.

To receive more tips on how to set healthy boundaries, check out Boundaries the insightful book by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.