The Many Tenets of Attending a Toddler’s Birthday Party

One of the twins at their friend's birthday party

At some point during your undergraduate career, you will no doubt get yourself a FWHAK (friend who has a kid), or “Fwac,” for short. This means that, some day, you will be invited to your fwac’s kid’s birthday party. Two options naturally ensue:

1) say no and spend that Saturday primping for Saturday night’s frat party, 2)say yes and read this blog.

You are not just about to attend any birthday party. A toddler’s birthday party is considerably more passionate than regular parties, and nothing you have learned in school thus far will help you navigate babies, the near-incessant hysterical yelling, fecal matter, Winnie the Pooh birthday cakes or spit-up. Rely on your instincts and be ready to defend yourself. If you haven’t had your flu shot yet, now’s a good time to think about it, and maybe get that Td booster, too.

Armed with some rudimentary tools to handle the toddler birthday party, do remember that this big day is about your fwac’s sanity and his or her little cutie’s glee. Your presence should enhance, rather than detract from, everyone’s experience.

The tenets:

Do not bring vodka in your water bottle. It may seem like a logical thing to do –it does take the edge off and makes the screaming very adequately tolerable. But moms are very observant (we learn to sense mischief before it actually occurs), and there is always the one super strict mom who frowns on everything “not vegan” and “not Christian” and she will not hesitate to berate you in front of a crowd.

Identify said strict mom and avoid her.

Do not wear jewelry that dangles. It will catch fine toddler hair. A necklace looks very much like a toy to a 3 year old, and he or she will try to pull it off of you, no matter what it takes. This will always result in varying degrees of pain for everyone involved.

Do not try to reason with anyone wearing a tiara or a Ninja Turtles costume. Let them have your red plastic cup and find yourself another one.

Do not wear clothes your really care about. Brown stuff, green stuff, probably yellow stuff too: most of the stuff will get on you so just pretend you’re dressing to unclog your septic tank.

Do not ask any of the pudgy or ventrally disproportionate women attending the party if they are expecting. I don’t know if you know this, but a woman’s body can look quite different after giving birth. I looked 4 months pregnant for 6months after my twins were born. You can never be too sure. Tell everyone they look great; the kids running around, the moms, the grandmas and the creepy uncles…people love compliments, it’s a win-win situation.

Do RSVP so your fwac can plan ahead, and do bring a gift, no matter how small. It’s truly the thought that counts in this particular instance.

Bring Purell, because no toddler can be honestly described as clean.

And arrive rather early so you can enjoy some snacks before they get doused in apple juice or simply thrown on the floor, where they will turn into bitter smelling pink mush. Stay until the candles have been blown out and feel free to exit anytime afterwards.

It will be fun, all things considered. Little kids say the funniest things and they are generally very cute, all craziness aside. Just be prepared for the worst, relax, and have a good time!