Diary of a Star Wars Virgin

Hello. My name is Emily Duncan, and I am a “Star Wars” virgin. Well, I guess I should qualify that statement.

Unless you’ve spent the last 40 years hiding out on the remote ice planet of Hoth, it is virtually impossible to have no knowledge of the “Star Wars” films. References to these six cinematic blockbusters crop up all over the pop cultural universe. Nearly every cartoon on television from “Family Guy” to “Fairly Odd Parents” to “Hello Kitty” pays homage to the series at some point, and dozens of Hollywood films have Star Wars Easter eggs or downright rip-offs tucked into their dialogue and set designs.

Darth Vader perches atop the National Cathedral, and Obi-Wan Kenobi is on our boys’ underwear. And let’s not forget about Mel Brooks’ smash parody “Space Balls.” So when I say that I am a “Star Wars” virgin, what I mean to say is that I have never actually sat down and watched all six of the Star Wars episodes. I know that Darth Vader is Luke’s father (obviously) and that Luke and Leia are brother and sister. I know about C-3PO, R2-D2, light sabers, real generic stuff. But with the third installment of the triple trilogy hitting theaters next December, I thought that it was high time to suit up and hop aboard the Millennium Falcon.

After conducting many polls, which often sparked heated debates among the Jedi wannabes in my circle, I decided to watch the films in the order that they were released in: Episodes 4-6 then 1-3. I began to compile notes for each Episode, trying to document my initial reactions, and I began to notice a pattern in what I was writing. I noted a few outliers such as “Why does Windu get a purple light saber? Why does everyone else get stuck with green or blue?” and “Ewoks are just coked-up Ferbies with spears,” but the majority of my notes were about how Luke needed to stop whining and grow a pair.

The culture of copious Halloween costumes, parodies, movies, books, and games I had grown up in had given me 21 years to build up vaulted expectations of Luke’s epic-ness, but when I finally met the great Luke Skywalker, he didn’t seem to be so much sky walking as crashing and burning. I didn’t understand why anyone would go for such an underwhelming drip when Han Solo was off killing storm troopers and lowering deflector shields nearby, all while keeping his hair perfectly tousled.

Han Solo. From a fangirl standpoint, Han is a swashbuckling pirate whose space pants hug him in all the right places. Luke looks like the missing triplet of the “Suite Life of Zack and Cody,” even less capable of saving the Tipton hotel from certain doom than being the frontman for the entire Rebellion. Luke is a ridiculous whiner who expects the easy way to work out the first time. And in spite of his status as “the chosen one” and his command of The Force, Luke Skywalker does very little to help the Rebellion. Sure, he blows up the Death Star, but that is only because Han swoops in at the last minute to cover him from enemy fire. Han not only manages to find the frostbitten Luke in the middle of a blizzard but manages to keep them both alive until the morning.

Luke tries to defeat Darth Vader, but ends up losing a hand and bumming a ride from his sister. He doesn’t save anyone from Jabba, and he can’t defeat the Hutts without massive help from Han, Leia, and crew. He can’t even defeat the Emperor and lies whimpering just praying that Darth Vader will have an attack of the warm fuzzies and decide to rescue him. Meanwhile, Han is shooting down enemies and hacking deflector shields left and right with his BA furry sidekick and beautiful princess girlfriend in tow. And the kicker is: Han is doing all of this without the aid of The Force.

So why then is Luke Skywalker the one that everyone aspires to be? I’ve never seen a tiny Han Solo running around the neighborhood during Halloween. What makes Luke the hero? It’s a combination of a lot of different factors. Most obviously, Luke is “the chosen one.” It doesn’t matter how inept you are or how much you actually contribute in the fight against evil; if you have this little stamp of approval, you are guaranteed a merchandise empire and the adoration of thousands of children and adults. This label tells us who to root for and who will ultimately triumph in the end.

Secondly, I may complain that Luke is bland and whiny and utterly average, but this is actually a genius move on George Lucas’s part. Luke Skywalker is so generic that anyone can look at Luke and see himself or herself reflected back. And most people get really seriously into the franchise when they are about Luke Skywalker’s age; fan and hero grow up and learn together. When Luke is battling to defeat the Emperor, bring good out of Vader, and keep his emotions in check to stay true to himself, he is really each and every one of us trying to stay afloat and find balance in our daily lives. He found adventure and his divine purpose all in the span of six hours of our time; who’s to say we can’t too? Greatness is not so far, far away from us if the padawan next door can achieve it.

Whether you love him or you hate him, you’ll be seeing a lot more of Luke Skywalker this year. “Episode VII: The Force Awakens” is just around the corner. Let’s hope that Luke’s learned a thing or two in the 30 years since the defeat of the Empire. Who knows? Maybe he’ll finally nut up and eclipse the glory of Han Solo. I personally am not holding my breath, but I can promise you that this aguhwwgggghhh raaaaaahhgh (in Wookie that means “virgin”) will be right there in the front row come December 18.