Double Standards Need to Go

Kiki & Tea

“Every straight guy should go to a gay bar at least once.”

This is the conclusion a couple of friends and I reached after one of our little “analysis” on society. Our lives are full of double standards and we often fail to realize it. In order to get rid of them we have to make a conscious analysis of where they are. Double standards probably do not happen on purpose; in our minds, the situations are clearly different, and usually it is difficult to put ourselves on someone else’s shoes because we cannot relate to them or their circumstances.

Some years ago, I met friend–let’s call him Caleb–who was a homophobe, but only toward men. I found it rather curious until he told me his experience of when he was a kid: a gay man had flashed his private parts at him through the window. Some time later, another friend­–let’s call him Ian–and I encountered a very drunk drag queen that made some very disrespectful comments toward Ian. Later, Ian told me he does not normally have any problems with gay men, as long as they are respectful.

It came to me that these situations are not all that different from ones that I have been warned of or experienced. As a child, my mother had warned me, just as her mother had warned her, to never turn toward someone who is trying to call your attention with noises (e.g. hissing). If they knew you, they could call out your name; if they don’t, there is a preferred politer way of gaining someone’s attention on the street. People who want to gain your attention by making noises do not have the best intentions toward you. This is, of course, a generalization, but it’s still good to keep in mind. The reason to omit those noises is because there are men who call the attention of unsuspecting women and when they turn, he flashes them his privates–the same as that man who flashed Caleb when he was a kid. Also let us not forget the Twitter movement of #YesAllWomen when many women wrote their misadventures at clubs with disrespectful men hitting on them–similar to Ian’s situation with the drag queen.

Our conclusion at the beginning actually came from trying to convince Ian to come with some of us to a gay club. Tell a straight man to go to a gay club and I assure you most will reject the idea altogether or, if they do go, they will have an uncomfortable expression on their faces. When asked Ian’s response for refusing was that he did not want to be “hit on” by men. Immediately I piped up at the unfairness of that argument, considering that was what every woman had to go through going to a regular club. His refute was that a woman it is different. First, because the woman may actually be interested in men–which makes no sense because lesbians also go to regular clubs–and second because if something happens we can report it, while he could not. To that I answered him with an incredulous look and called him naïve. Although it’s true that if things escalated to harassment it could be reported, let’s be real and think how many claims of a woman being told crude remarks by a half-drunk man at a bar will be taken seriously. Something else that Ian said, though, caught my attention: he had been felt-up by a woman at a regular bar, and he wasn’t willing for that to happen with a man.

The reason my friends and I reached the conclusion that every straight man should go to a gay bar was so men could be more sympathetic to what women go through in these situations. It is something far from comfortable and sometimes even frightening. However, I think that by doing that will not fully accomplish on getting the point through. The reason for this is double standards. How do we expect men to sympathize with women when as a society we don’t sympathize with men? Every person has his/her own definition and boundaries for personal space. When a man violates that space and the recipient is a woman, it is scandalous; however, when a woman does the same and the recipient is a man, nothing happens.

Some time ago, I heard of a male political candidate that while he was campaigning and walking among the crowd, an older woman went up to him as if to hug him and brought down her hand to touch his crotch. The whole thing was taped and the woman was later interviewed, to which she proudly expressed that she had felt him up real good. The situation was considered humorous and the woman was left alone and no consequences. Imagine if the situation had been different, if the genders of the two persons were exchanged. If a man had walked up to a female candidate and touched her breasts or nether region on national television, then that man would have been taken to prison and be accused as depraved.

If a beautiful woman kisses a little boy on the lips, we consider it cute or the little boy as “lucky,” if a handsome man does the same to a little girl, we consider him a pedophile. Perhaps, men find it difficult to sympathize with the situations women go through, because they are not given much sympathy either. I am not saying that we should victimize men or women and place us all as defenseless lambs. However, we must learn to understand and think that unwanted attention is uncomfortable no matter your gender. While women at any age are told to report when they have been touched without their consent, once men reach a certain age they are expected to “suck it up” or worse, to even enjoy it and brag. If a man has women feeling him up, he is a sex magnet, a stud. Society dictates for him to feel “good” about the situation, and any sense of discomfort is disregarded or mocked.

To progress as a society, double standards have to be eliminated, and one way to start eliminating them is by communication and information. It is difficult to place ourselves in someone else’s shoes because we do not have the details to begin to understand. I do not understand what it’s like to be a parent because I am not a mother. I do not understand what it’s like to be a man because I am a woman. I do not understand what it’s like to be transgendered because I am a cis-woman (meaning I identify my gender the same as the sex I was borne with). That does not mean there is no way for me to sympathize if I am given enough insight. I think that Emma Watson had a really good point when she said that men were also prisoners of society and its standards. It is absurd to expect freedom and equality when it is only partial or one-sided. Hence, we should all try to become more aware of these double standards and correct our thought process; maybe then we will start seeing a difference in the world.