Proper Party Etiquette in College

Coming to college is like stepping into a Hot Topic; once you enter, you shed all sense of the dignity you once had. Upon attending the U.S. of A’s number one party school; the first challenge that lay in my path was learning the language of ‘white girl wasted.’ After two years of spending my mom’s money on “groceries” for the weekends here, I think I’ve finally compiled a list of proper party etiquette:

Number one. Begin your journey by asking every single friendly drunkard for the Wi-Fi password. Do not stop pestering until you have obtained and memorized it like it was a potential booty call number. This is your key to all the wonderful things real exchanges cannot offer, because what’s more fun? Making lifelong friends who could provide a world of everlasting memories or snap chatting pictures with your white deep V-neck and your pushup bra hanging out?

Number two. Claiming your spot on the sofa next to the life of the party is crucial. If an open area near an outlet opens up, then you better be ok with politely shoving some ‘randos’ out of the way. The window of opportunity for such a seat is very short; shove as many people out of the way as possible. Once comfortably positioned next to your new best friend, whip out your handy phone charger and plug it in. A dead phone ends with having to pretend to care about strangers for the rest of the night, so it is pertinent you do not forget one.

Number three. If you happen to make eye contact with the hot boy across the room, you better scope out the path that lies ahead of you before slinking over to that sizzling slice of sausage. A foot, an empty beer bottle, or rubber chicken are all potential trip hazards. My advice is to sprint at full speed towards your prey. When you arrive in front of him, introduce yourself by moonwalking circles around him. If you are successful, he will fall under a state of hypnosis within five minutes and give you his heart, number, and credit card.

Golden rule of parties: you always have a friend in the kitchen. Don’t be afraid to rummage through the hosts fridge, because the treasures hiding within will always pleasantly delight you. However, the jackpot lies in the pantries. Take out the best food they own and eat it in front of everyone animal planet style to assert your dominance.

Finally, if people at the party are bugging you, kick them out. You are the most important person anywhere you go. Someone took your spot next to the outlet? Hover over them until they feel so uncomfortable by your piercing stare they have to leave. Someone trash talk Neopets?  Don’t even go near them since they probably will suck out your soul. Kick them out using telepathy.

Above all, never forget what the great Ben Franklin once said, “beer is proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy.” So long as you are respectful to the person hosting you, you can survive anything. Because nothing sucks more than waking up to find your house trashed and Anakin Skywalker cardboard cut out stolen.