Top 5 Things an Arachnophobe Loves About Spiders

By Adam Gerstenfeld on July 21, 2013

This title is a lie.  I hate spiders.  In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve got a deathly fear of them.  But I’ve realized something very important, and that is there are a lot of spiders in my house this world, and someday I’m going to have to face my fears.

So I’m going to try and list the things that spiders are good for so I can lie myself into thinking that I like them…or at the very least don’t want to curl up in a ball whenever I see them.  It’s like in a psychology book or something.

Also, I probably shouldn’t keep acting like this when I see one. Ruins my cred with the ladies.

So here it is, without further ado, the top five reasons why I like spiders:

Reason #5: They’re the new Viagra
“The Brazilian wandering spider is an aggressive and highly venomous spider regarded by some as the most dangerous spider in the world. The venom of the spider, apart from causing the victim to be in pain also causes uncomfortable hours-long erections. The venom may eventually be used in erectile dysfunction treatments.”

I can’t even imagine what THAT mating season must be like.

Reason #4: They’re Like the MacGyvers of the Animal Kingdom 
Fact: Spider silk is five time stonger than steel.  And they can basically make anything with it: nests, homes, mating hammocks, you name it.  And they’re also the basis for research into super strong wires for building construction and medical bandages.  Not bad little death critters. 

Reason #3: They’re an important part of our ecosystem! 
 
GOOD GOD MAN, HOW ARE YOU GOING TO EAT THAT. Ew. 

Reason #2: The Girls Are to Die For

“Females are typically larger than their male counterparts. A hungry female may consume any invertebrate that comes along, including her suitors. Male spiders often use courtship rituals to identify themselves as mates and not meals”

And you were worried about what to get your girlfriend for Valentine’s Day.

Reason #1: They’re the reason Spiderman exists
 
So I’m a huge comic book nerd and Spiderman is one of the coolest guys to ever grace the presence of my pre-pubescent bookshelves.  He swings! He shoots webs! He doesn’t like using the floor to get around! In other words, he was my role model for a good, let’s say…about….my entire life.  Who doesn’t like a guy whose catchphrase, “it’s your friendly neighborhood Spiderman”, is vaguely reminiscent of good ol’ Mr. Rogers (may he rest in peace)?

And furthermore, Spiderman has like, possibly the greatest storyline ever, especially when we’re ignoring Tobey Maguire’s third movie.  I mean, in one of his most memorable storylines, his first girlfriend in the comics is one of the few characters to die and actually stay dead (may she rest in peace) making it one of Marvel’s best-selling comics of all-time.  And then he still kicks Green Goblin’s ass. In fact, he’s probably the second greatest superhero of all-time, only behind the intoxicating Squirrel Girl. But let’s be real, no one beats a girl with an affinity for talking rodents.

And that’s my recap on nature’s little darlings!  If you’re an arachnaphobe like me, I hope you’re cured, and if not…well there’s always full immersion therapy to look forward to.

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