Paralyzed by Anxiety: A College Student’s Nightmare

By Rese Schille on March 4, 2017

http://metro.co.uk

Ever since I was a 14, I have suffered from generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder. It impacts my life in a multitude of ways, especially now that I’m in college. I take medication for it, sure, but it doesn’t always help.

At the moment, I need to make a trip to the bank and the pharmacy. They are both vital errands that need to be completed today. I need to deposit money for my car insurance into my parent’s bank account. My dad had a heart attack a couple weeks ago so they are struggling financially. This $100 will be all they have for groceries this week. In Alaska, that is not very much. I also have four prescriptions waiting to be picked up from the pharmacy. These medications are what help keep me going day after day. I ran out of them on Thursday night. I should have picked them up yesterday but was too overwhelmed.

It is now 2:30pm. Both the pharmacy and the bank close at 6:00pm. I have time, but it’s quickly slipping away the longer I sit here paralyzed in fear.

What exactly am I afraid of? Leaving my dorm room for starters. I feel safe here and every time I leave there’s like this pressure in my chest. Then, of course, interacting with the bank and pharmacy staff brings a fair amount of anxiety. Follow up that with all the driving required and I’m ready to crawl back under the covers on my tiny twin bed!

If the bank and pharmacy were attached to the college, I’d probably already have completed these time sensitive errands. But driving produces an insane amount of anxiety for me. It’s something I can’t explain. It’s the reason my car sits in the parking lot during the week while I take the shuttle to classes.

Next week they are plowing the road. I’ll have to move my car. I don’t know what I’m going to do. There’s an uncertainty in parking anywhere that I can’t see my car and know it’s not being broken into as well as the fact that I have to drive my car unnecessarily (in my eyes at least) that leaves me in a panic.

I will find a way to overcome all of these issues if I give myself enough time— time to freak out then breathe then just take the leap and do it.

There are, of course, days when I get that paralyzing fear about attending class. I go through excuse after excuse, trying to find one that the professor might find acceptable for missing class. In the end, nothing sounds convincing enough. Plus the fear of losing a grade or even failing a class is stronger than any of my anxieties of leaving my dorm room. This small technicality allows me to force myself to go to class most days.

In classes, however, I simply don’t talk. This is harder in classes where participation is a percentage of my overall grade. I rely on my medication to help me squeak out a few profound phrases and spend of the rest of the class trying to be invisible. There are some days where I find I don’t say a single word outside of phone calls to family. No one realizes how bad my anxiety is. That my heart drops to my stomach at the thought of driving to Wasilla to visit my parents even though I desperately want to. When students look at me in the classroom my eyes start to well with tears until they look away. I don’t like being looked at.

Even writing this article has me overwhelmed with fear. Fear of rejection and fear that I will be labeled a freak for struggling with anxiety this intense and severe. I have one friend, and she kind of relates to the mind numbing fear social situations can provoke. She is far braver than I, however.

I do go to therapy, for a lot of reasons, but I cancel my appointments a lot. I cancelled this week’s appointment because I was sick. A lousy excuse. Perhaps if I went more routinely I could get a better handle on this paralyzing anxiety. It is something to consider.

My anxiety has dropped a few levels since starting this article. It helps to talk about it. Most times no one is interested in listening. I guess the computer doesn’t really have a choice. I finally feel confident enough to go out to my car, brush it off, and make the drive to run my errands for the day. I woke up at 8:00am this morning. It has taken me 7 hours to build up the courage to leave my dorm room and take care of my responsibilities. It is not something I am proud of, but this is my life.

http://carabeans.tumblr.com/

Many students across the US have to deal with debilitating anxiety or other mental health disorders. It’s not always something you can see. They may pass as normal students who may just be a little shy or awkward. You never know what someone might be going through, however. Always be kind. Make a point to reach out to students who seem shy. It might just make their day and give them some much-needed human contact.

For myself, I know I spend a lot of time alone and afraid. If others reached out to me more or sparked up a conversation before class, it would probably make my whole week and give me just a little bit more self-confidence. Something I’m sorely lacking in.

 

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