How To Deal When Your Roommate Brings In Another "Roommate"

By Danielle Wirsansky on February 1, 2016

Love ‘em or hate ‘em, college is a time when most of us live with a roommate … or two … or three. College is expensive enough as it is without the added cost of living. Many cut corners and save some cash by living with a roommate. They can be complete strangers or friends, and they will either stay true friendships or sour into enmity.

But sometimes when two people live together, one roommate can bring in another “roommate.” This extra, uninvited roommate might be a friend or significant other that is always there. They might often stay the night, eat the apartment’s food, or invite their own friends over without asking everyone who actually lives in the space.

So what is the other roommate to do? How can you deal with this situation?

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Create boundaries or a roommate agreement immediately.

As soon as you and your actual roommate (you know, the one that signed the lease) have moved in, you need to have a discussion and be clear about the rules of the apartment. It’s best if you have at least discussed this previous to moving in to see if you will be compatible, but that is not always possible.

So once you’re in the apartment, don’t delay! Don’t give yourself time to get acclimated — because that’s it. Once you have settled into your initial schedule, it will be much harder to change your ways than it would have been if you had done it right away. You want to set yourself and your roommate on the same page immediately so that you can hopefully avoid having an unwanted, extra “roommate” who will mooch off your apartment.

Be clear, be assertive, and be willing to compromise because you can’t just hand out edicts either. I recommend having a written or typed list that can later be referred to. You don’t necessarily have to sign it or have your roommate sign it either, but it will show that you both have agreed to these rules rather than one roommate meting out rules for the other.

Avoid passive aggressiveness.

If you are not able to completely avoid the situation of having your roommate bring in another “roommate” by having an agreement, don’t let your annoyance ooze out of you passive aggressively. Being passive aggressive will just strain your relationship and stop you from making any positive progress.

Sometimes, this can be hard behavior to avoid. You can get so frustrated with this moocher invading your space and yet feel helpless to oust them. But this is not the answer. You don’t want to drive your roommate to a point where they are also so frustrated with you in return that they aren’t willing to hear you out and, just to be defiant, will allow the moocher even more free rein.

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Address infractions of the roommate agreement.

If your roommate, or their guest, has broken your roommate agreement or otherwise violated what you consider to be rules of common courtesy in your apartment, don’t just let it slide. Stay calm and collected and let them know clearly what they’ve done and how that violates your comfort zone.

They might not have realized, noticed, or cared. Regardless why, it’s best to understand why they did it so that it can be avoided in the future. This is your apartment too and you deserve to feel safe and welcomed in your apartment. Don’t let this other “roommate” run you out of your own home.

Interact with the “roommate” directly.

Maybe your actual roommate isn’t aware that your guest is making you unhappy and uncomfortable or they don’t care. I suggest this as a last resort because you don’t want to go behind your roommate’s back unless you have to.

But sometimes enough is enough — this guest might not realize how you are feeling unless your roommate told them. If talking to your roommate isn’t enough, then sometimes you need to go to the source of trouble directly. Again, be cool, calm, and collected and let them know that as a guest to your apartment, there are rules they need to follow.

Cite specific examples of things they have done that violates the rules and gently remind them that if they want to be allowed or invited over, they need to follow these house rules. The rules are not in place for fun, they are there to keep everyone comfortable and safe in their own space. Remind them of this too.

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The most important thing when dealing with this kind of situation is to remain calm and not be aggressive or fly off the handle with a situation. This is always easier said than done, but cooler heads will always prevail.

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