Uncle Sam's had a Little Too Much to Drink

By Meggie Gates on July 4, 2014

Our nation’s birthday is a time to overlook all the wrongs the U.S. has committed in the past and celebrate what makes us better than most, namely: french fries, corporate greed (did The Hobbit REALLY need to be split in to three parts?), and consumerism. With summer being halfway over comes the sweet, succulent smell of the fourth of July creeping right around the corner, waiting to pounce on us and exploit how little patriotism we actually have. As the haunting aroma of trees catching fire from sparklers gone awry, sweaty men trying way too hard at lawn games, and barbequed meat sifts through the summer air, it can be hard to forget what this holiday, as most others, is really about; avoiding awkward conversations with family members.

Before anything regarding family, however, if you find yourself unfortunately working on this sacred day, do not let that stop you from partaking in July fourth festivities. We’ve all been told one or nine times the consequences of drinking on the job, but who said anything about slumming it with the best of them beforehand? Don’t let corporate America oppress you on your conquest to glory; besides, who can honestly survive the workday without cracking open a cold one?

When encountering your relatives, you must thoroughly prepare for the interrogation you are about to be bombarded with. Prepare yourself by making a list of possible questions they may ask you; what grade you’re in, are you still dating that steaming pile of poo trying to pass as a decent human being, do your plans for the future involve being financially stable because otherwise we’re going to dump you like the trash on Monday…you know, those sorts of questions. Upon acquiring answers to all of these and more, print them on a sweatshirt for everybody to read. That way you won’t have to deal with the task of relatives pretending to care once a year and can instead share a mutual understanding that neither of you want to participate in the same charade of small talk. The sweatshirt relays all of your basic information without making you look weird for being antisocial reading adult romance books in the corner.

Whoever started the rumor that cheeks get pinched excessively is a thing must be incredibly misinformed, considering I’ve never encountered it at any of my family reunions. If you happen to be apart of the 2% of the population that this happens to, don’t fret; there are ways to get out of these situations. Bring a fly swatter or spray bottle to inflict punishment against the perpetrator. For every time a hand gets within a 5-inch radius of your face, swat them or spray them to let them know they’re being bad. It may be awkward at first, but don’t back down because an unwavering stance is a sign of weakness to the enemy.

Depending on how your family members behave themselves, reunions may not be that bad. However, if you are unfortunately related to Hasidic hillbillies that do a twenty-one gun salute to welcome in every family member that has arrived at the party, then it is your job to purify your bloodline. It looks bad on you to be related to a skid mark on the family fortune, so eradicate their existence as quickly as possible. I suggest setting a trap with a twelve case of beer and U.S.A apparel to capture them and then sell them on dating websites to those cat ladies desperate for love.

As Ron Swanson once said, “history began on July 4, 1776. Everything before that was a mistake.”  Sure, you may have some crazy, unbearable relatives that make the holidays a dread to look forward to, but this is the day to break down barriers and bond over brewskies. Do it for America. 

Follow Uloop

Apply to Write for Uloop News

Join the Uloop News Team

Discuss This Article

Back to Top

Log In

Contact Us

Upload An Image

Please select an image to upload
Note: must be in .png, .gif or .jpg format
OR
Provide URL where image can be downloaded
Note: must be in .png, .gif or .jpg format

By clicking this button,
you agree to the terms of use

By clicking "Create Alert" I agree to the Uloop Terms of Use.

Image not available.

Add a Photo

Please select a photo to upload
Note: must be in .png, .gif or .jpg format